Friday, June 15, 2012

Reacting VS. Responding

I don't have much time. Monster is sleeping and if I every want him to go to sleep tonight, he needs to wake up.
Things have been rough at our house for the last week. Le sigh. Everyday has been a struggle with D. It is constant defiance, rudeness, tantrums, low frustration tolerance. It seems like he is either on the verge of a tantrum or in a tantrum. It has been draining. Normally, I am pretty good at not responding from anger when a child is escalated. It doesn't do any good to react in anger. It isn't therapuetic for the child and the adult always feels like shit later. Today it was hard for me to do this. While working with a very angry D, I had to tell him multiple times that I needed to take a break so I wouldn't respond in a negative way. I think as adults, we want control and when we are losing control of our children, we lose our cool. When a child is escalated, you need to let go of that need of control. realize it isn't personal, step back, and let the child come out of it. Oh goodness, is that hard. ESPECIALLY, when the child has been in a constant state of escalation. A child cannot think rationally when upset/escalated and you cannot force them to do what you want. Trying to force it with anger isn't going to fix the issue. You just have to ride it out.
I try really hard not to react to a child who is escalated or making poor choices. I try to respond. Reacting is not thinking, just doing. If you react, then anger or your own poor choices might come out. I try hard (and damn, is it hard sometimes) to take a second or two and think about how my response will be therapuetic and helpful in the situation. There is no shame in  telling a child that you are upset and you need a few minutes to think about how to respond. Remember you are a model to your child. How proud would you be of your child if they told you they were frustrated and needed a minute to think about how to respond? I am pretty sure I would dance a 45 minute jig if my kids did that.
Also, take responsibility if you do react. We are human, we make mistakes but you need to own up to it and apologize. I reacted today in anger and when I was calm, I apologized to D. He deserves that respect. I want him to learn that everyone makes mistakes, it is ok to make mistakes, and the right thing to do is take responsibility for the mistake. Why should we expect our children to apologize when their behavior is less than stellar and not show our children the same respect?
If Monster sleeps any later, he will go on strike at bedtime tonight. Thanks for letting me share. I feel better and ready to get on with the day. I am ready to battle the next tantrum! Bring it on small children!

Friday, June 1, 2012

I'm a reverend


Years ago. I think I was in college, I became a reverend through the Universal Life Church. I have a little computer print out that says I can perform weddings and funerals. As of March 2012, I had not done any weddings and thank goodness, no funerals. 
 Last weekend, I had the honor of officiating my best friend's wedding. I have known my friend since freshman year of high school. We have been through a lot together and she is ALWAYS around for me when I need her. I am a godparent to her handsome baby boy. 
 I have to admit that when she first asked me, I thought she was just being nice so I agreed and thought she would eventually come to her senses and find s proper officiant. A few months before the wedding, she called me to get a final confirmation that I would really do it. I had a "oh fuck" moment. She really wanted me to do it! That is a lot of pressure. I could, essentially, ruin their wedding, which could ruin our relationship. Was I willing to do it? 
I spent a couple days (and a few nights with little sleep) thinking about my decision. I finally decided to say no. I couldn't do it. I am not a good public speaker and the stress of just thinking about taking on this monumental responsibility was getting to me. How would it be if I accepted?
 Then I talked to my friend, Sarah. She has a way of changing my mind about things. She worked her magic. She said things along the lines of "how could you not accept?" and "it is a once in a lifetime opportunity" and "your relationship will only strengthen through this experience." So I accepted. 
Not only did I accept but I created the ceremony. I wish I could take credit for writing the whole things but I cut and pasted from a lot of other ceremonies I found on line and then molded into what I wanted it to be. I practiced a lot. In front of the kids, in the car, for Husband, for Sarah. By the time we left for Idaho, I was confident. I was going to rock this wedding. 
And rock it I did. I nailed it! I had people come up to me and tell me that it was the best wedding ceremony they had ever been too. I also had people tell me that the things I said was helpful to them and their significant others. So here it is. In all its glory. Enjoy 

 Ryan and Allie's Wedding 
Good afternoon, we made it! We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with Ryan Michael and Allison Danielle  and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives.

 Marriage is a commitment to life. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.

Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.

When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfill.

So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty . And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us.

We who love, can look at each other's life and say, "I touched his life," or, "I touched her life," just as an artist might say, "I touched this canvas." "Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me." Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together.
To make this relationship work takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey.
 
I would now like to call up ___________ to share a reading.


To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one's self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one's self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another--and to one's inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon's own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child's scars
Or an adult's deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are--and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.



Thank you, __________

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks — all those sentences that began with “When we’re married” and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” — those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” — and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.
The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed — well, I meant it all, every word.”
Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another  — acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this is my husband, this is my wife.
Are you ready?

Ryan, will you have this woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, and honor her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?

I Will!

Allie,  you take this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together in marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, and honor him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?

I Will!

This is the point in the ceremony where we usually talk about the wedding bands being a perfect circle, with no beginning and no end.  But we all know that these rings do have a beginning.  Rock is dug up from the earth.  Metal is liquefied in a furnace, then molded, cooled, and painstakingly polished.  Something beautiful is made from raw elements.  Love is like that.  It's hot, dirty work.  It comes from humble beginnings, made by imperfect beings.  It's the process of making something beautiful where there was once nothing at all.

(Each places the ring on the other’s finger and repeats this simple vow:)
This ring is my promise to accept your imperfections and recognize your beauty
Ryan and Allie, remember to treat both yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty or fear assail your relationship – as they threatened all relationships at one time or another – remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part that seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the times when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives – remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your lives together, your life together will be marked by abundance and delight.

Ryan and Allie, as a collection of words, this ceremony would count for little, were it not for the love and commitment you have pledged to one another. Your vows may have been spoken in minutes, but your promises to each other will last a lifetime. Having witnessed your vows for marriage with all who are assembled here, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are husband and wife. 

Congratulations, you may kiss!

 I held it together too. I only really cried when Allie walked down the aisle and at the very end (i'm tearing up just thinking about it). I can say, without a doubt, that taking on that awesome responsibility was the right choice and I am very thankful that Allie asked me to officiate.