Family: Under Construction

   I knew that when I was pregnant with number 2, that it would be my last pregnancy, my last biological child. I was not done having children.  It is no secret that I love kids. If it were up to me I would surround myself with an army of little people. Growing up, I told people I wanted six kids. Three biological and three adopted. I have a friend from kindergarten who remembers me telling her this when we were five.
   Husband is a different story. He would have be content with just one. Thank God, I won rock, paper, scissors so that we could have number 2 (yes, we played rock, paper, scissors to decide to have number 2). He nearly laughed out loud when I told him my dream of six kids. Husband is an only child and has very strong feelings about over population (please do not bring up the Duggar family).
   A year ago or so, I brought up adoption. We had always planned on adopting. Our dream family dynamic was two boys and a girl. I was ready to add a girl to our clan of boys. Husband told me at the time he was content with our family dynamic. He loved our biological boys and enjoys doing foster care. I accepted his answer, even though I was disappointed, and focused my attention on the children I had and tried to ignore my feelings of wanting another, a little pink in my sea of blue.
   The last month the feeling that our family was unfinished, that someone was missing became stronger. This morning my close friend sent me a picture of her positive pregnancy test and it hit me like a punch in the stomach. I am not done. My family is not complete. I closed my eyes and tried to keep the tears in.
   What do you do when one partner is done having children and the other isn't? I can do all the research I want on adoption, make a winning case for going for it, but that won't necessarily change husband's mind. This is not a situation where you can work out a compromise so both parties are happy. There will be a clear winner and a clear loser.
   I am not a good loser. But I am going to lose. I need to accept that. I cannot force husband to feel the same way I do, and want the same things I do (damn it!). A relationship is a bunch of give and take, compromise, and sometimes surrendering. It is respecting your partner and their ideas/choices/feelings/etc even if they don't mesh with yours.
   Does it hurt? Oh god, does it ever. I think it will be a long process for me to "get over" it. I had children really young and a lot of my friends are just starting to have kids which means I will be getting more punch in the stomach feelings every time a friend tells me they are having a baby. The punch will eventually turn into a slap, then a pinch, and then a slight poke like I am the pillsbury dough boy before eventually going away. Right ?
 

Little Tent in the Big Woods

Written September 2nd, 2012
 I'm having a Caroline Ingalls moment. We are camping this weekend. I am sitting by our campfire slowly, and awkwardly, writing this on my iPhone.  Ok, so maybe not a total Ingalls moment but I am feeling pretty old school right about now.

I do not have much camp experience. Growing up, my family's camping would be staying at the motel 6. Of course I would marry into an outdoorsy family. Husband and I have been together almost 13 years and I have only agreed to camp with him three times. Three times. I shake my head in wifely shame. I have always had, what I thought as very good and logical reasons to not camp: it's too cold, we don't have the right equipment, the kids are too young, I can't poop in the woods, or pee in the woods for that matter. 

My reasons finally fell on deaf words and the husband loaded up myself and the three kids and took us to the woods (which thankfully has a potty. Thank you, Jesus!). 

In the last 24 hours I have pitched a tent, cooked on a propane stove and a campfire, slept outside (shocked face!). Ok technically in a tent but it was still freaking cold, and wrangled three pretty well behaved wild beasts. 

All in all I am thankful to husband for finally taking control of the situation and getting me out here. I am thoroughly enjoying myself and getting out of my comfort level. The last month or so has been hard in our family. Number three has been struggling on an almost daily basis. It is good to break out of routine, take a break, refocus every once in a while to remember what is really important (like potty's and family). 

Green Blankie and Cathedral Park: A late Night Adventure

   We didn’t notice it was gone until bedtime. It had been a busy, running around kind of day. It was a rare Saturday that husband had to work. Number three was going to respite. Myself, number 1, and number 2 were splitting our day between grandparents.

   Green blankie was missing. One cannot even really call it green anymore. It once was a light soft green but years of love have turned it more to an ashy gray. A classic Winnie the Pooh and Piglit adorn the bottom of the blanket. Number 2 knows every inch of the blankie by heart. He has a special “pocket” where he likes to slip two of his little fingers in. He likes to have the “pokey” side wrapped around his body so he can wear green blankie as a cape. Many times he refuses to use a towel as he prefers blankie to dry himself off with. Green blankie is his safety, his friend, his comfort.

   How the hell could we have lost it?

   We searched the house, we searched the cars, we called the grandparents. No one had it. No one really remembered where they had seen it last. Blankie was such a familiar sight, such a part of number 2 that it doesn’t really stick out in memory. It’s just there.

I    called the restaurant where we had lunch and waited on hold for 20 minutes while they searched for it. It was not there. Where could it be?

   The last place we had been that night before going home was Cathedral park to see “Trek in the Park”. Cathedral park is a good 30-40 minute drive away. It was really the only place it could be. Maybe it had fallen out of a bag. Maybe number 2 had dropped it while running around. Did it even go to the park with us?

   I tried getting number 2 to bed without green blankie. He cried and twisted around, calling out for his blankie. I laid next to him crying too, feeling like a failure of a parent for not paying enough attention. How could I have let this happen?

   No, NO! I will not go down with a fight.  We don’t leave a man behind in this family and green blankie is family. Number 2 and I grabbed two little tiny flashlights (we really need to get new batteries for the normal size flashlights) and got into the car. We were on an adventure to save green blankie.

   With me in my snowflake jammies and number 2 clutching his small orange flashlight, we head out to Cathedral park. We picked my mom, Bubbie up for reinforcement and began our journey. We winded our way through the black, back roads of Forest Park to reach our destination. Number 2 feel asleep shortly after picking up Bubbie.

   I am thankful that I had an extra adult with me once we finally reached Cathedral Park. It is no means in a “bad” part of town but being a female in snowflake pajamas in a park in Portland at 11pm is slightly…uncomfortable.

   The first scan of an area we played in turned up nothing. I was near tears, fearful that our brave adventure would turn out to be a big flop. Determined to not lose hope, I continued on to the next area of the park we played.

   “please, God, please, God” played over and over again in my head as I headed up a hill. In the distance I saw a pale pile. “Oh God, please”. The closer I got the faster my prayer became. I reached down and touched it and cried out with delight. Green blankie! I had found green blankie!

   I gave the slightly damp green blankie to a sleeping number 2 who barely acknowledged its presence. I figured by the morning he would realize he had it back and award me with millions of kisses (wrong). I was a hero. I did not give up. We did not leave a man behind. And hopefully, I earned a bazillion brownie points with my number 2.

   The moral of the story? Don’t lose an important member of the family! I have plans of attaching a tag to green blankie that has our phone number and a reward for its safe return. Never again….

The work of a housewife is never done

"The work of a housewife is never done," the husband said to me on Saturday night as I quickly got to work processing 20lbs of blueberries seconds after I tucked the kids in bed for the night. I giggled and thanked him for finally noticing. He is right though. I spend most my day running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. It is not even 9:30am and I have made blueberry muffins, a loaf of bread, folded two loads of laundry, watered the garden, and kept 5 kids in line. Oh, snap!
Things have been harder than normal around here. Z's explosive aggressive behavior has finally decided to make an appearance. You are told of what a kid's behavior can look like and then you meet the kid and can't believe they are capable of such aggression. It is a shock to the system once you finally experience it. I also struggle with the policy that the agency I work for has: you may not physically intervene with an escalated child. I have a residential background. I believe that when a child is physically acting out and is a threat to themselves, others, or property, I should help them be safe by doing a hands on intervention. My agency believes that if a child is physically acting out to the point where it is a threat to safety, the police should be contacted. I don't want to call the police because a 7 year old child is angry, you know what I mean? They have bigger fish to fry.
Z enjoys music. It helps him calm down. My game plan is to start playing music on my phone (Thank you, God for smartphones!) when he becomes escalated. Its kinda hard to stay angry when listening to calm and uplifting music, right?
I have discovered that Monster is part fish. That kid has no fear of water. We went to the pool yesterday and Monster was essentially diving in and not wanting help (obviously, we helped the kid out cause he sinks like a brick) but he doesn't panic if his face is underwater for a few seconds. In fact, he loves it. Bean is also turning into a very competent water creature. He was learning to tread water and jumping into the deep end and springing off the bottom of the pool to came back up to the top.
The canning season is upon us as well and I have been busy putting things up. I have done 20lb of blueberries, pounds and pounds of zucchini  pickles, peaches, 30lbs of green beans, and strawberry jam. I just got another 30lbs of peaches that I need to process tonight. Soon enough pears will be in season, and then apples...I will have a very well stocked pantry this winter. I think I am going to experiment with making dill pickles as well. My supplier has a pretty good deal on pickling cucumbers.
Alright, faithful readers, I am going to quit while I am ahead. I fear that if I continue to ignore the kids for much longer I will hear screaming.
Happy Monday!

A season of change

   Our family has gone through a lot of transitions recently. It all started at the end of June when the bio boys went on vacation for 10 days with my mom, followed by D moving out the next day. Husband and I enjoyed the next 8 days in blissful kidfree splendor. A week after the bio boys came home, Z moved in.
   I don't know if I have mentioned this before but whenever a new child moves in, I question if we are doing the right thing for our family by agreeing to have a child in our home who has significant behavior issues. The mama lion in me comes out and wants to protect my babies from potential harm but my desire to help those who need it the most also comes into play. Needless to say, my brain is working overtime the first 48 hours of having a newbie.
   Z has transitioned well so far. We are on day 5, I think. So far so good. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the honeymoon to be over. Z has a lot of anger (and believe me, he has a lot to be angry about) and he struggles with expressing this anger appropriately. We are talking aggression and long tantrums. A lot of kids aren't aware or pretend not to know why they need a different type of foster care. Not Z. He can tell you why he is here and what he needs to work on. It is pretty refreshing. He and Bean get along really well and Z has a two year old half sister so he understand Monster.
   I talked to D just the other day. Things are going well enough at this new home. Apparently he is struggling at bedtime and can still have issues with anger/tantrums as well but his new foster parent seems to be handling it well. Melts my heart when he tells me he loves me before saying goodbye. I love that kid.
   The kids and I decided to learn about medieval times this summer. We are going to take a look t the feudal system and build an epic kingdom. There will be a castle, manor for the lords and lots of little houses for the peasants. I'm  thinking popsical sticks and hot glue maybe the building medium for this project.This week we will draw a preliminary map of our kingdom and learn more about castles so that the following week we can make an indepth (as in depth as a 7, 5, 2.5 year old can be) map of our kingdom's castle before we begin construction. I just think this is so cool! We can even make a flag for our kingdom. I am really getting into this! We are going to spend a week or so studying knights and then "train" to be a knight. We will practice sword fighting, archery, jousting, take the oath of chivalry, heraldry etc. Another week we will focus on food/manner/holidays. The best part about studying the middle ages is there is so much you can do with it. Not to mention all the renaissance fairs that occur during the summer ;)
   My garden is doing fantastic right now. I haven't written much about it this summer as it was a little touch and go in the beginning of the season. Slugs destroyed a lot. I eventually tried the beer trick (put a little dish of beer in your garden where it is easily accessible for the slugs. Slugs are attracted to the beer, slime their way in and drown. Bam!). It was a thing of beauty. I am annoyed that I waited so long to try it.
  Things I have growing this year :
-bush beans
-pole beans
-8 zucchini plants (two different varieties)
-10ish tomato plants
-pumpkins
-acorn squash
-two varieties of watermelon
-two variety of cucumber (I think there are over 10 plants. yikes!)
-green pepper
-banana pepper
-carrots
-lettuce
-basil
-spinach
I think that is it
Oh! Strawberries. Duh!
   My mother in law got me a pressure canner for my birthday. OH MY GOODNESS! I can can everything (and I have!) I just processed 15/16lbs of green beans. I am giddy like a school girl! I am almost out of jars. It is pretty exciting to have your pantry full of beautiful glass jars full of fruit/veggies/etc that you got locally and processed yourself. It makes me feel all homemakey and self-sufficient. I stumbled across a wicked baked bean recipe the other day and my next canning project is to try that. MMMMMMM
   Yesterday we did a day trip to the beach with our friend's the Brooks' family. We went to the beach of Gearhart where you can drive on the beach. This is a great thing if you have kids as you don't have to schlep all their beach crap from the car to the beach. Basically you plop of out of the car and your are done. YES! The kids interacted well together which mean't the adults had time to have adult conversations. I needed that. The highlight of the trip was the Brook's van getting stuck in the sand on the way on the beach and the way off. God bless the nice residents of Gearhart who were willing to help them both times they were in this pickle :)
 

Reacting VS. Responding

I don't have much time. Monster is sleeping and if I every want him to go to sleep tonight, he needs to wake up.
Things have been rough at our house for the last week. Le sigh. Everyday has been a struggle with D. It is constant defiance, rudeness, tantrums, low frustration tolerance. It seems like he is either on the verge of a tantrum or in a tantrum. It has been draining. Normally, I am pretty good at not responding from anger when a child is escalated. It doesn't do any good to react in anger. It isn't therapuetic for the child and the adult always feels like shit later. Today it was hard for me to do this. While working with a very angry D, I had to tell him multiple times that I needed to take a break so I wouldn't respond in a negative way. I think as adults, we want control and when we are losing control of our children, we lose our cool. When a child is escalated, you need to let go of that need of control. realize it isn't personal, step back, and let the child come out of it. Oh goodness, is that hard. ESPECIALLY, when the child has been in a constant state of escalation. A child cannot think rationally when upset/escalated and you cannot force them to do what you want. Trying to force it with anger isn't going to fix the issue. You just have to ride it out.
I try really hard not to react to a child who is escalated or making poor choices. I try to respond. Reacting is not thinking, just doing. If you react, then anger or your own poor choices might come out. I try hard (and damn, is it hard sometimes) to take a second or two and think about how my response will be therapuetic and helpful in the situation. There is no shame in  telling a child that you are upset and you need a few minutes to think about how to respond. Remember you are a model to your child. How proud would you be of your child if they told you they were frustrated and needed a minute to think about how to respond? I am pretty sure I would dance a 45 minute jig if my kids did that.
Also, take responsibility if you do react. We are human, we make mistakes but you need to own up to it and apologize. I reacted today in anger and when I was calm, I apologized to D. He deserves that respect. I want him to learn that everyone makes mistakes, it is ok to make mistakes, and the right thing to do is take responsibility for the mistake. Why should we expect our children to apologize when their behavior is less than stellar and not show our children the same respect?
If Monster sleeps any later, he will go on strike at bedtime tonight. Thanks for letting me share. I feel better and ready to get on with the day. I am ready to battle the next tantrum! Bring it on small children!

I'm a reverend

Years ago. I think I was in college, I became a reverend through the Universal Life Church. I have a little computer print out that says I can perform weddings and funerals. As of March 2012, I had not done any weddings and thank goodness, no funerals. 

 Last weekend, I had the honor of officiating my best friend's wedding. I have known my friend since freshman year of high school. We have been through a lot together and she is ALWAYS around for me when I need her. I am a godparent to her handsome baby boy. 

 I have to admit that when she first asked me, I thought she was just being nice so I agreed and thought she would eventually come to her senses and find s proper officiant. A few months before the wedding, she called me to get a final confirmation that I would really do it. I had a "oh fuck" moment. She really wanted me to do it! That is a lot of pressure. I could, essentially, ruin their wedding, which could ruin our relationship. Was I willing to do it? 

I spent a couple days (and a few nights with little sleep) thinking about my decision. I finally decided to say no. I couldn't do it. I am not a good public speaker and the stress of just thinking about taking on this monumental responsibility was getting to me. How would it be if I accepted?

 Then I talked to my friend, Sarah. She has a way of changing my mind about things. She worked her magic. She said things along the lines of "how could you not accept?" and "it is a once in a lifetime opportunity" and "your relationship will only strengthen through this experience." So I accepted. 

Not only did I accept but I created the ceremony. I wish I could take credit for writing the whole things but I cut and pasted from a lot of other ceremonies I found on line and then molded into what I wanted it to be. I practiced a lot. In front of the kids, in the car, for Husband, for Sarah. By the time we left for Idaho, I was confident. I was going to rock this wedding. 

And rock it I did. I nailed it! I had people come up to me and tell me that it was the best wedding ceremony they had ever been too. I also had people tell me that the things I said was helpful to them and their significant others. So here it is. In all its glory. Enjoy 

 Ryan and Allie's Wedding 

Good afternoon, we made it! We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with Ryan Michael and Allison Danielle  and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives.

 Marriage is a commitment to life. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.

Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.

When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfill.

So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty . And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us.

We who love, can look at each other's life and say, "I touched his life," or, "I touched her life," just as an artist might say, "I touched this canvas." "Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me." Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together.
To make this relationship work takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey.
 

I would now like to call up ___________ to share a reading.

To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one's self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one's self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another--and to one's inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon's own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child's scars
Or an adult's deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are--and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.

Thank you, __________

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks — all those sentences that began with “When we’re married” and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” — those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” — and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed — well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another  — acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this is my husband, this is my wife.

Are you ready?

Ryan, will you have this woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, and honor her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?

I Will!

Allie,  you take this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together in marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, and honor him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?

I Will!

This is the point in the ceremony where we usually talk about the wedding bands being a perfect circle, with no beginning and no end.  But we all know that these rings do have a beginning.  Rock is dug up from the earth.  Metal is liquefied in a furnace, then molded, cooled, and painstakingly polished.  Something beautiful is made from raw elements.  Love is like that.  It's hot, dirty work.  It comes from humble beginnings, made by imperfect beings.  It's the process of making something beautiful where there was once nothing at all.

(Each places the ring on the other’s finger and repeats this simple vow:)
This ring is my promise to accept your imperfections and recognize your beauty
Ryan and Allie, remember to treat both yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty or fear assail your relationship – as they threatened all relationships at one time or another – remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part that seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the times when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives – remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your lives together, your life together will be marked by abundance and delight.

Ryan and Allie, as a collection of words, this ceremony would count for little, were it not for the love and commitment you have pledged to one another. Your vows may have been spoken in minutes, but your promises to each other will last a lifetime. Having witnessed your vows for marriage with all who are assembled here, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are husband and wife. 

Congratulations, you may kiss!

 I held it together too. I only really cried when Allie walked down the aisle and at the very end (i'm tearing up just thinking about it). I can say, without a doubt, that taking on that awesome responsibility was the right choice and I am very thankful that Allie asked me to officiate.