Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Everyone has a breaking point

Today was rough. Normally, I don't let things get to me. I can just deal and move on but Monster just pushed all the right buttons today. As I told my friend, Sarah, Monster was doing a good job making me feel like an inadequate parent. It was constant whining, tantruming, and defiance. His normal few moments of cute and sweet behavior were not enough to make up for the firestorm of monstrous behavior. I think we are both going to be very pleased when it is bedtime and we can take a break from each other. Luckily, husband is home now and has taken over child herding for a while so I can sneak away and try to get my head back in the game. It is days like today that remind me how important it is to have good self-care. In order to be the best you can be, to be as patient and understanding as you can be, you need to take time for yourself. The more frustrated, burnt out you get, the harsher you are with others. I find that when I am feeling pretty low, I nit pick my kids more which in turn, deteriorates their mood, which makes my mood worsen. *shakes head* It is not pretty. So my faithful followers, take time for yourself today. Recharge that battery so you are ready to take on the world tomorrow. Put down the laundry, or dirty dishes, or paperwork, or...you get the point. Take 10-15 minutes for YOU. YOU are important and deserve attention. The world will be a better and prettier place with you being happy. I promise. Ok, now that we got the business out of the way let us do some updates. D had is IEP eligibility meeting on Monday. The meeting basically confirmed what I already knew about D. He is wickedly smart. He scored above average in every area of cognitive ability except for short term memory (he scored average in that area). He is on track academically which is amazing as he is at his third school of the year. What I found interesting was that the behavior that he exhibits at school is different than at home. At home, he has more externalizing behavior (screaming, yelling, defiance, etc) and at school, he has more internalized behavior (anxiety, depression, withdrawal). Due to his behavior problems, he is eligible for an IEP and all his safety plans/behavior plans are in place in writing so the next school will be legally mandated to provide him the services that help him. D's time with us is rapidly coming to an end unless the caseworker is able to work something out with our agency. I am trying to optimistic that it will work out. The caseworker continues to tell me she doesn't want to move him and I truly believe she is doing everything she can to keep him here. I contacted his attorney the other day about this and she emailed me back saying that once a child does well in a therapeutic setting, it is DHS' job to find the child a less restrictive setting. Why is it hard to believe that maybe when a child does well in a therapuetic setting it isn't because they are "healed" but rather this is the type of setting they need? Maybe now that a child is stable, they can work on the underlying issues that are causing the bigger, more explosive behavior. Take a deep breath, Amelia. You are getting worked up again... Bean is Bean. I am constantly blown away by him. He is a very thoughtful, caring, and respectful kid. He has been spending his time mastering climbing the bigger tree in our backyard as well as the monkey bars at the park. I love being able to experience his excitement and enthusiasm over meeting these "big kid" milestones. He enjoys creating art, especially art that uses tape. LOTS of tape. The concept of glue is lost on this boy. We go through a lot of tape. I feel like I need to start rationing it out. Thank God for the dollar tree. The kids are almost done in the bath and I think the husband would appreciate help wrangling the wet kids into jammies. Peace out!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Broken System

The system is broken. The DHS system. Well, I can't speak for all of it but I can tell you this: The Department of Human Services Child Welfare is broken. No longer is it about the child. It is about money. They don't see the child, they see dollar signs. The child's well being is not being taken into account. What is taken into account is how much money that child is costing the state. I got a call yesterday evening from D's caseworker. She told me she had put in a referral for a new home for D. I knew D's contract with us was almost up but last the caseworker and I had talked she was all about keeping D with us until he transitioned home, even if that meant changing his contract to long term. I was a tad shocked that she was singing a different tune. Dad is apparently not stable enough for D to transition as quickly as she was hoping. This means two things, 1. D will need to stay in foster care longer, 2. this will cost the state more money. Now, it is not secret that we choose to work with hard to place youth. We like the challenge. We like to work with kids who need us the most. People who choose to work with higher needs children get a bigger stipend a month. It costs the state more money to keep D with us. If they keep D with us, it will cost the state more money. The system does not want to spend that money. WHY WHY WHY would it be good to move a child who has FINALLY stabilized enough for us to work on his foundation? He is no longer having hour long tantrums or being violent (for the most part). Due to this we can work on building a positive self-image, what it means to make good choices, how to be respectful, how to express feelings in positive ways. This is important work. This foundation is what will help D grow into a productive and respectful member of society. I have no doubt in my mind that if D moves his behavior will deteriorate. The tantrums will return. He will run away again. All the work he has done with us will be destroyed. The tiny bit of positive self-image he has built will blow away. Moving, to him, will feed into his feelings of being a failure. He will see that playing by the rules, making good choices, doesn't get you what you want. When he realizes that, watch out world. The wrath of D will be upon you. This poor little boy has lived in 3-4 homes since coming into care in November. He has lived with us the longest of any of the placements. He has blown out of all his last homes. He is finally showing respect, following directions, and expressing him emotions in healthy ways the majority of the time. Would you move him?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's day is on Sunday. It is that one day a year where you are supposed to thank our moms for all their hard work, dedication, and love. Really though, shouldn't we be telling our mom's thank you all the time. Have we gotten so thankless that we need to have one day a year set aside so that all the stores, greeting card companies, etc have to remind us to take a few moments to say thank you so our moms? I am not perfect. I don't tell my mom how much I appreciate all she has done, is doing, and will do for me in the future. Do I really need to spend three dollars on a card that will eventually thrown in the trash (please recycle!)to tell my mom I love her? I don't think so. I am guilty of sending a free e-card the night before. Le sigh. Anyway, I am getting off the reason I got on here. I did want to talk about Mother's Day but what Mother's Day means to a child in foster care and what it means to me as a surrogate mother. D is the first child I have had the privilege of caring for who has had both a mom and dad he talks to and sees regularly. Which is a strange experience but is helping me grow as a foster parent. As Mother's day started to approach I began to struggle with what to do. Should I help D do something for his mother? Should we not really acknowledged the day as it might make D upset as he isn't with his mom? As we got closer to the Big Day I felt that it was my duty to help D celebrate his mom in the ways she is able to be in his life. Every family is different. There is no right or wrong way to have a family. D's mom loves him (even if it is in a dysfunctional way) and D loves her. So for Mother's day we got his mom and nice frame and we got an amazing picture of D jumping over a creek. The picture is taken as he was in the air, a giant smile on his face, with the ocean in the background. I think she will love it. I know that the trip we took to the beach was important to D as he had never been to the ocean before. I have no idea how D will do on actual mother's day. He sees his mom today and will give her his gift then. How will he do on the day where my boys and husband celebrate me being their mom/wife? Will he be sad and missing his mom? Will he be excited to do fun activities? Will he be angry? You never really know with D. I am feeling optimistic (maybe its the coffee surging through my body). I think D does view me as a mom. He has written about me in school assignments as mom so I think he might want to celebrate all the things I do in his life. He had a homework assignment the other day where he had to write and color about something nice that someone has done or does for them. He wrote "My mom helps me when I am frustrated". I thought he was writing about bio mom. He quickly corrected me and told me he was referring to me. When D moved in with us, we asked that he not call us mom and dad as he has a mom and dad and those names are special to them. I did not want his parents to think we were trying to take their place in his life. I am wondering if D is starting to see me and my family more as his family and less as a temporary resting place. He has started referring as Bean and Monster as his "brothers". Interesting stuff. So does the meaning of mother's day change when you are a foster mom? I think it does. I think becoming a foster mom made me appreciate and view my role as mom as even more important. I have taken on the responsibility of not only caring and raising my own children to be responsible, loving people but to also to teach these things to children who have not been able to stay in their own bio families and have significant behavior problems. The kids who have chosen to invite in our home are the kids who need a supportive, loving, caring, structured, and firm mom the most. Ok, I could go on but Monster is now sitting on my lap shoving an empty cup into my face in attempt to have me make weird sounds with it. D and Bean are getting a little too creative with markers and their bodies so I think it is time to sign off. I apologize dear reader, if this entry seems choppy and with little flow. When blogging with three young children, I get called away from my thoughts and writing about every three minutes. It makes for a strange writing experience but at least I got this done in one day. Progress!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Suspension

I got an urgent phone call this morning while the bio boys and I were at the library. Apparently D had been having a blow out for about an hour and a half and the school was ready to throw in the towel of defeat for the day. D had been doing so well in our home and in school that I thought he was finally gotten past the school suspensions and long tantrums. I find this is how kids work, especially kids who have higher behavioral needs. Just when you get comfortable, they are going to shake it up on you. My adrenaline was racing when as I got to the school. I was upset with his choices, I was nervous what I was going to encounter when I got there, and I was scared at the behavior I was going to experience once home. Luckily, D was calm once I got there and I think he was relieved I was there and he could go. I am BLOWN away by D's school. They are amazing with him. So patient and kind. He has been so traumatized by school in the past, it is nice that he is finally at a school who is willing to be flexible with him and his needs. I believe this is one of the reasons he does well there compared to other schools he has attended. They don't care which way D goes to get to the destination. If his path needs to be different than other kid's so be it. I find that a lot of kids struggle with school because they are expected to act a certain way, do things a certain way which works well for a lot of kids. Sometimes though, it is disastrous. Anyway, I got a little off topic...So I get D and he is calm. Talk with his school team (principle, counselor, aide)about what went down. They reported that there is another child with similar behaviors to what D used to act like and this child started to escalate and this is when D started to act out and wanting to go home. The reassured me and D that he is doing AWESOME at school and they see him making improvements everyday. They all reminded him that tomorrow would be a better day. That is the beauty about time and choices. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second you are given a new chance to start again. That is what I told D. We discussed how the day has been a little rough but we can always stop and make the choice to start again. You can not let one bad decision ruin the rest of your day, week, month, (you get the point, right?). D and I talked about the "meltdown" once we got home. He said that when this other kid was having his issues, all these bad thoughts kept coming into his head and taking over the good thoughts. He didn't like to see the kid making the choices he used to make. I think it is really interesting that D is triggered by seeing kids making the same poor choices that he used to make. I think this is a great argument for keeping D out of a behavior classroom. So the consequence for his choices are: school at home (oh God, so much busy work) and no TV/Game time. D did ok with this except when I asked him to write himself an apology letter than contained the sentence "You are an amazing boy". Oh boy! Did that trigger him. He was ok with the apology letter to himself (it was his idea) but the thought of writing something positive about himself was apparently very appalling as he spent a long time refusing to do it and repeatedly calling me a "mean girl". I find that it works best with D to state your expectations, the consequences of his choices, remind him you don't care which choice he makes, and disengage. He finally realizes that calling me mean over and over again is not going to get me to change my mind about the letter so he might as well just get it over with and move on. Which he did. Right now he and Bean are working on a picture of what they would do on a beach day. We read a book called "Beach day". while I frantically thought of some more busy work to keep D busy during school hours (only an hour to go!). On another note, I had my re-certification meeting today. I have been re-certified to do foster care for another year. This meeting goes over strengths/weaknesses (hahaha, I don't have any of those!), safety check of the house, etc. House was safe still, and I am doing a good job providing a therapeutic, loving, structured home. This meeting lasted about 45 minutes and 20 minutes of that was spent telling me I am awesome (which is what I decided to focus on while being called names later in the day). I like these annual reviews. I like to get positive feedback that I am doing something right and good. As a stay at home mom and wife, you don't really get feedback/reviews the same way you do at a job. You are just kinda feeling your way around in the dark and hope that you don't screw up your family too much. It is nice to know that an outside organization does not think you are royally f-ing up you kids.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

May Flowers

I was talking with one of my very best friends in the world last night. I treasure our phone conversations as it never seems we can ever connect and talk. Most of the time we leave ridiculously long phone messages filling each other in on the happenings of our lives. Sarah really enjoys hearing the successes and challenges that my family faces as a foster family to hard to place youth and she asked if I would blog more on it. So here I am. Dinner is in the oven, the kids are playing happily with each other (wait, was that screaming?), and I am considering a beer. Life in our castle is going well. D does well at school most days. He has not been suspended since moving in with us and there has been a sharp decline in the amount and duration of tantrums at school. What blows me away is that he is ALWAYS honest with me about his day at school. He takes responsibility for his "meltdowns" or "fits". He is always able to rationally explain to me WHY he had the tantrum but in the moment at school, he can never verbally convey his needs to his aide. Take for example this "meltdown". D didn't want to go out to recess, which is strange because this kid has an insane amount of energy. When I asked him why, he explained to me he didn't have a coat and that it was cold. He was not allowed to stay inside so BAM! There he blows! Once calm, he and the aide were able to discuss the issue, problem solve, and move on. He just struggles, and only sometimes now, with that initial disappointment/frustration when things don't work the way they want it too. Another fine example, is when he gets frustrated with a problem in class. He gets angry because it makes him feel like a "failure" (his words, not mine). He thinks that everything should come easily for him and if it doesn't than something is wrong with him. When this happens, he will either A.) Blow or B.) turtle (this is when he shuts down and refuses to talk). Needless to say, we have been working hard at getting D to recognize the feelings he has before he either blows or turtles so he can let someone know what is going on internally. I don't think he even has time to realize he is feeling frustrated before he blows. Kid has a short to non-existent fuse. Let is see...what else is new. I started drinking apple cider vinegar mixed with water. I was reading up on the health benefits of it, like increased energy so I thought I would give it a try. I put 3 teaspoons in 8 oz of water and drink it once a day. Oh boy, I have seen a difference! I used to lag in the afternoon, get grouchy and desperate for a nap. Not anymore. I have energy to take on the world (though most likely the afternoon with three active young boys). Husband and I are working on figuring out what we want Bean's "schooling" to look like. We are still not in full agreement. I love unschooling and see the benefits of it. Husband wants more structure and traditional learning. We reached a slight agreement on kindergarten. We signed Bean up for abcmouse.com which is a virtual kindergarten. Bean likes it for the most part but doesn't want to sit down and do it 5 days a week. He works on it maybe 2-3 times a week. Sometimes less (shhh, don't tell husband). I would rather Bean go outside and climb a tree or work on one of his amazing craft projects. He made his own stuffed animal this week! He made and cut out the template himself. I cut out of the fabric, he helped me sew it together and he stuffed it and sewed the button eyes and news and used embroidery floss for a mouth. It is intensely good. The one I made for Monster turned out creepy and wonky. Bean's is WAAAAAAY better than mine. Ok, confession: This is like my 5th day trying to get this entry done. It seems that I can only write in five minute intervals before something else needs my attention. My fingers and toys are crossed a bazillion times that I can finally finish this morning. I am starting to fear I may have to change the title of this post (as I type, the washing machine just beeped as well as my timer to put the bread dough in the bread pan to rise. Be right back). Last night, we packed the boys up in the car and drove into Portland to have dinner with the majority of the Gilmore Girls and their families (ok, now Monster is needing my attention. Hold that thought). The only Gilmore Girl missing was Ms. Rebecca. Alas, she is still living in California. We are all hoping she and her husband, and the jalapeno baby girl she is cookin' up will make the great move North soon. I absolutely love seeing my Gilmore Girls and their families but whenever we have a foster child with us I always have a little anxiety about our visits. Husband and I have made the choice to invite kids with severe emotional/behaviorally needs into our home but by doing that, we are asking our family and friends to open their hearts as well as their homes to these kids too. Because of our choice, our friends and families are taking a risk. These kids have trouble making good choices sometimes and sometimes they might make those poor choices at my friend's house. That poor choice will be witnessed by my friend and potentially their children. See my dilemma? I know my children will not be sheltered away from seeing those poor choices but I don't want to be the reason my friend's children witness certain behaviors. You know what I mean? Last night was amazing though, as it normally is. D fits right in with our family and apparently with our friends and their children. Everyone was blown away to hear that just a few months prior it appeared like D was not able to live with a family and needed residential care (I like to brag about this. I feel pretty damn good about myself and my family that we were able to provide the stability and structure this kid needed). What amazes me is that just a few month ago, when D first moved in, the mourning period I went through. I was mourning the loss of the family dynamic we had as a family of four, I had to adjust to being a family of five. Now that we have adjusted, it is sad to think that eventually D will be leaving and the whole process will start again: readjust to being a family of four, get a new placement, mourn the change, get to know the new kid, get comfortable, they move on, rinse, repeat. It is a bittersweet process. It is nice to being able to touch so many lives. Lives that really need your support and love but is hard letting them go. As a foster parent, I only get to be a mom to these kids for a short amount of time before it is time for them to move on to the next phase of their life journey (God, that sounds corny). I think this is a good place for me to sign off. The sun is shining. My second cup of coffee is halfway done, and the grass really want to be mowed. Speaking of yards. Can I just tell you one more thing really fast? I have so many f-ing bugs DESTROYING my plants at the new house. I had transplanted two fancy french squash transplants and when I went to check on them this morning the damn bugs had eaten ALL the leaves off. Damn, I'm pissed. I have never dealt with such aggressive bugs. It makes me want to dump chemicals on all of them and give them a painful death but that kinda goes against everything I believe in. You know, treat the earth and all its creatures with respect. Also, I don't want my family eating those chemicals. Vicious circle...