The work of a housewife is never done

"The work of a housewife is never done," the husband said to me on Saturday night as I quickly got to work processing 20lbs of blueberries seconds after I tucked the kids in bed for the night. I giggled and thanked him for finally noticing. He is right though. I spend most my day running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. It is not even 9:30am and I have made blueberry muffins, a loaf of bread, folded two loads of laundry, watered the garden, and kept 5 kids in line. Oh, snap!
Things have been harder than normal around here. Z's explosive aggressive behavior has finally decided to make an appearance. You are told of what a kid's behavior can look like and then you meet the kid and can't believe they are capable of such aggression. It is a shock to the system once you finally experience it. I also struggle with the policy that the agency I work for has: you may not physically intervene with an escalated child. I have a residential background. I believe that when a child is physically acting out and is a threat to themselves, others, or property, I should help them be safe by doing a hands on intervention. My agency believes that if a child is physically acting out to the point where it is a threat to safety, the police should be contacted. I don't want to call the police because a 7 year old child is angry, you know what I mean? They have bigger fish to fry.
Z enjoys music. It helps him calm down. My game plan is to start playing music on my phone (Thank you, God for smartphones!) when he becomes escalated. Its kinda hard to stay angry when listening to calm and uplifting music, right?
I have discovered that Monster is part fish. That kid has no fear of water. We went to the pool yesterday and Monster was essentially diving in and not wanting help (obviously, we helped the kid out cause he sinks like a brick) but he doesn't panic if his face is underwater for a few seconds. In fact, he loves it. Bean is also turning into a very competent water creature. He was learning to tread water and jumping into the deep end and springing off the bottom of the pool to came back up to the top.
The canning season is upon us as well and I have been busy putting things up. I have done 20lb of blueberries, pounds and pounds of zucchini  pickles, peaches, 30lbs of green beans, and strawberry jam. I just got another 30lbs of peaches that I need to process tonight. Soon enough pears will be in season, and then apples...I will have a very well stocked pantry this winter. I think I am going to experiment with making dill pickles as well. My supplier has a pretty good deal on pickling cucumbers.
Alright, faithful readers, I am going to quit while I am ahead. I fear that if I continue to ignore the kids for much longer I will hear screaming.
Happy Monday!

A season of change

   Our family has gone through a lot of transitions recently. It all started at the end of June when the bio boys went on vacation for 10 days with my mom, followed by D moving out the next day. Husband and I enjoyed the next 8 days in blissful kidfree splendor. A week after the bio boys came home, Z moved in.
   I don't know if I have mentioned this before but whenever a new child moves in, I question if we are doing the right thing for our family by agreeing to have a child in our home who has significant behavior issues. The mama lion in me comes out and wants to protect my babies from potential harm but my desire to help those who need it the most also comes into play. Needless to say, my brain is working overtime the first 48 hours of having a newbie.
   Z has transitioned well so far. We are on day 5, I think. So far so good. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the honeymoon to be over. Z has a lot of anger (and believe me, he has a lot to be angry about) and he struggles with expressing this anger appropriately. We are talking aggression and long tantrums. A lot of kids aren't aware or pretend not to know why they need a different type of foster care. Not Z. He can tell you why he is here and what he needs to work on. It is pretty refreshing. He and Bean get along really well and Z has a two year old half sister so he understand Monster.
   I talked to D just the other day. Things are going well enough at this new home. Apparently he is struggling at bedtime and can still have issues with anger/tantrums as well but his new foster parent seems to be handling it well. Melts my heart when he tells me he loves me before saying goodbye. I love that kid.
   The kids and I decided to learn about medieval times this summer. We are going to take a look t the feudal system and build an epic kingdom. There will be a castle, manor for the lords and lots of little houses for the peasants. I'm  thinking popsical sticks and hot glue maybe the building medium for this project.This week we will draw a preliminary map of our kingdom and learn more about castles so that the following week we can make an indepth (as in depth as a 7, 5, 2.5 year old can be) map of our kingdom's castle before we begin construction. I just think this is so cool! We can even make a flag for our kingdom. I am really getting into this! We are going to spend a week or so studying knights and then "train" to be a knight. We will practice sword fighting, archery, jousting, take the oath of chivalry, heraldry etc. Another week we will focus on food/manner/holidays. The best part about studying the middle ages is there is so much you can do with it. Not to mention all the renaissance fairs that occur during the summer ;)
   My garden is doing fantastic right now. I haven't written much about it this summer as it was a little touch and go in the beginning of the season. Slugs destroyed a lot. I eventually tried the beer trick (put a little dish of beer in your garden where it is easily accessible for the slugs. Slugs are attracted to the beer, slime their way in and drown. Bam!). It was a thing of beauty. I am annoyed that I waited so long to try it.
  Things I have growing this year :
-bush beans
-pole beans
-8 zucchini plants (two different varieties)
-10ish tomato plants
-pumpkins
-acorn squash
-two varieties of watermelon
-two variety of cucumber (I think there are over 10 plants. yikes!)
-green pepper
-banana pepper
-carrots
-lettuce
-basil
-spinach
I think that is it
Oh! Strawberries. Duh!
   My mother in law got me a pressure canner for my birthday. OH MY GOODNESS! I can can everything (and I have!) I just processed 15/16lbs of green beans. I am giddy like a school girl! I am almost out of jars. It is pretty exciting to have your pantry full of beautiful glass jars full of fruit/veggies/etc that you got locally and processed yourself. It makes me feel all homemakey and self-sufficient. I stumbled across a wicked baked bean recipe the other day and my next canning project is to try that. MMMMMMM
   Yesterday we did a day trip to the beach with our friend's the Brooks' family. We went to the beach of Gearhart where you can drive on the beach. This is a great thing if you have kids as you don't have to schlep all their beach crap from the car to the beach. Basically you plop of out of the car and your are done. YES! The kids interacted well together which mean't the adults had time to have adult conversations. I needed that. The highlight of the trip was the Brook's van getting stuck in the sand on the way on the beach and the way off. God bless the nice residents of Gearhart who were willing to help them both times they were in this pickle :)
 

Reacting VS. Responding

I don't have much time. Monster is sleeping and if I every want him to go to sleep tonight, he needs to wake up.
Things have been rough at our house for the last week. Le sigh. Everyday has been a struggle with D. It is constant defiance, rudeness, tantrums, low frustration tolerance. It seems like he is either on the verge of a tantrum or in a tantrum. It has been draining. Normally, I am pretty good at not responding from anger when a child is escalated. It doesn't do any good to react in anger. It isn't therapuetic for the child and the adult always feels like shit later. Today it was hard for me to do this. While working with a very angry D, I had to tell him multiple times that I needed to take a break so I wouldn't respond in a negative way. I think as adults, we want control and when we are losing control of our children, we lose our cool. When a child is escalated, you need to let go of that need of control. realize it isn't personal, step back, and let the child come out of it. Oh goodness, is that hard. ESPECIALLY, when the child has been in a constant state of escalation. A child cannot think rationally when upset/escalated and you cannot force them to do what you want. Trying to force it with anger isn't going to fix the issue. You just have to ride it out.
I try really hard not to react to a child who is escalated or making poor choices. I try to respond. Reacting is not thinking, just doing. If you react, then anger or your own poor choices might come out. I try hard (and damn, is it hard sometimes) to take a second or two and think about how my response will be therapuetic and helpful in the situation. There is no shame in  telling a child that you are upset and you need a few minutes to think about how to respond. Remember you are a model to your child. How proud would you be of your child if they told you they were frustrated and needed a minute to think about how to respond? I am pretty sure I would dance a 45 minute jig if my kids did that.
Also, take responsibility if you do react. We are human, we make mistakes but you need to own up to it and apologize. I reacted today in anger and when I was calm, I apologized to D. He deserves that respect. I want him to learn that everyone makes mistakes, it is ok to make mistakes, and the right thing to do is take responsibility for the mistake. Why should we expect our children to apologize when their behavior is less than stellar and not show our children the same respect?
If Monster sleeps any later, he will go on strike at bedtime tonight. Thanks for letting me share. I feel better and ready to get on with the day. I am ready to battle the next tantrum! Bring it on small children!

I'm a reverend

Years ago. I think I was in college, I became a reverend through the Universal Life Church. I have a little computer print out that says I can perform weddings and funerals. As of March 2012, I had not done any weddings and thank goodness, no funerals. 

 Last weekend, I had the honor of officiating my best friend's wedding. I have known my friend since freshman year of high school. We have been through a lot together and she is ALWAYS around for me when I need her. I am a godparent to her handsome baby boy. 

 I have to admit that when she first asked me, I thought she was just being nice so I agreed and thought she would eventually come to her senses and find s proper officiant. A few months before the wedding, she called me to get a final confirmation that I would really do it. I had a "oh fuck" moment. She really wanted me to do it! That is a lot of pressure. I could, essentially, ruin their wedding, which could ruin our relationship. Was I willing to do it? 

I spent a couple days (and a few nights with little sleep) thinking about my decision. I finally decided to say no. I couldn't do it. I am not a good public speaker and the stress of just thinking about taking on this monumental responsibility was getting to me. How would it be if I accepted?

 Then I talked to my friend, Sarah. She has a way of changing my mind about things. She worked her magic. She said things along the lines of "how could you not accept?" and "it is a once in a lifetime opportunity" and "your relationship will only strengthen through this experience." So I accepted. 

Not only did I accept but I created the ceremony. I wish I could take credit for writing the whole things but I cut and pasted from a lot of other ceremonies I found on line and then molded into what I wanted it to be. I practiced a lot. In front of the kids, in the car, for Husband, for Sarah. By the time we left for Idaho, I was confident. I was going to rock this wedding. 

And rock it I did. I nailed it! I had people come up to me and tell me that it was the best wedding ceremony they had ever been too. I also had people tell me that the things I said was helpful to them and their significant others. So here it is. In all its glory. Enjoy 

 Ryan and Allie's Wedding 

Good afternoon, we made it! We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with Ryan Michael and Allison Danielle  and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives.

 Marriage is a commitment to life. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.

Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.

When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfill.

So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty . And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us.

We who love, can look at each other's life and say, "I touched his life," or, "I touched her life," just as an artist might say, "I touched this canvas." "Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me." Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together.
To make this relationship work takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey.
 

I would now like to call up ___________ to share a reading.

To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one's self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one's self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another--and to one's inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon's own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child's scars
Or an adult's deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are--and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.

Thank you, __________

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks — all those sentences that began with “When we’re married” and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” — those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” — and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed — well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another  — acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this is my husband, this is my wife.

Are you ready?

Ryan, will you have this woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, and honor her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?

I Will!

Allie,  you take this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together in marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, and honor him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?

I Will!

This is the point in the ceremony where we usually talk about the wedding bands being a perfect circle, with no beginning and no end.  But we all know that these rings do have a beginning.  Rock is dug up from the earth.  Metal is liquefied in a furnace, then molded, cooled, and painstakingly polished.  Something beautiful is made from raw elements.  Love is like that.  It's hot, dirty work.  It comes from humble beginnings, made by imperfect beings.  It's the process of making something beautiful where there was once nothing at all.

(Each places the ring on the other’s finger and repeats this simple vow:)
This ring is my promise to accept your imperfections and recognize your beauty
Ryan and Allie, remember to treat both yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty or fear assail your relationship – as they threatened all relationships at one time or another – remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part that seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the times when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives – remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your lives together, your life together will be marked by abundance and delight.

Ryan and Allie, as a collection of words, this ceremony would count for little, were it not for the love and commitment you have pledged to one another. Your vows may have been spoken in minutes, but your promises to each other will last a lifetime. Having witnessed your vows for marriage with all who are assembled here, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are husband and wife. 

Congratulations, you may kiss!

 I held it together too. I only really cried when Allie walked down the aisle and at the very end (i'm tearing up just thinking about it). I can say, without a doubt, that taking on that awesome responsibility was the right choice and I am very thankful that Allie asked me to officiate.

Everyone has a breaking point

Today was rough. Normally, I don't let things get to me. I can just deal and move on but Monster just pushed all the right buttons today. As I told my friend, Sarah, Monster was doing a good job making me feel like an inadequate parent. It was constant whining, tantruming, and defiance. His normal few moments of cute and sweet behavior were not enough to make up for the firestorm of monstrous behavior. I think we are both going to be very pleased when it is bedtime and we can take a break from each other. Luckily, husband is home now and has taken over child herding for a while so I can sneak away and try to get my head back in the game. It is days like today that remind me how important it is to have good self-care. In order to be the best you can be, to be as patient and understanding as you can be, you need to take time for yourself. The more frustrated, burnt out you get, the harsher you are with others. I find that when I am feeling pretty low, I nit pick my kids more which in turn, deteriorates their mood, which makes my mood worsen. *shakes head* It is not pretty. So my faithful followers, take time for yourself today. Recharge that battery so you are ready to take on the world tomorrow. Put down the laundry, or dirty dishes, or paperwork, or...you get the point. Take 10-15 minutes for YOU. YOU are important and deserve attention. The world will be a better and prettier place with you being happy. I promise. Ok, now that we got the business out of the way let us do some updates. D had is IEP eligibility meeting on Monday. The meeting basically confirmed what I already knew about D. He is wickedly smart. He scored above average in every area of cognitive ability except for short term memory (he scored average in that area). He is on track academically which is amazing as he is at his third school of the year. What I found interesting was that the behavior that he exhibits at school is different than at home. At home, he has more externalizing behavior (screaming, yelling, defiance, etc) and at school, he has more internalized behavior (anxiety, depression, withdrawal). Due to his behavior problems, he is eligible for an IEP and all his safety plans/behavior plans are in place in writing so the next school will be legally mandated to provide him the services that help him. D's time with us is rapidly coming to an end unless the caseworker is able to work something out with our agency. I am trying to optimistic that it will work out. The caseworker continues to tell me she doesn't want to move him and I truly believe she is doing everything she can to keep him here. I contacted his attorney the other day about this and she emailed me back saying that once a child does well in a therapeutic setting, it is DHS' job to find the child a less restrictive setting. Why is it hard to believe that maybe when a child does well in a therapuetic setting it isn't because they are "healed" but rather this is the type of setting they need? Maybe now that a child is stable, they can work on the underlying issues that are causing the bigger, more explosive behavior. Take a deep breath, Amelia. You are getting worked up again... Bean is Bean. I am constantly blown away by him. He is a very thoughtful, caring, and respectful kid. He has been spending his time mastering climbing the bigger tree in our backyard as well as the monkey bars at the park. I love being able to experience his excitement and enthusiasm over meeting these "big kid" milestones. He enjoys creating art, especially art that uses tape. LOTS of tape. The concept of glue is lost on this boy. We go through a lot of tape. I feel like I need to start rationing it out. Thank God for the dollar tree. The kids are almost done in the bath and I think the husband would appreciate help wrangling the wet kids into jammies. Peace out!

Broken System

The system is broken. The DHS system. Well, I can't speak for all of it but I can tell you this: The Department of Human Services Child Welfare is broken. No longer is it about the child. It is about money. They don't see the child, they see dollar signs. The child's well being is not being taken into account. What is taken into account is how much money that child is costing the state. I got a call yesterday evening from D's caseworker. She told me she had put in a referral for a new home for D. I knew D's contract with us was almost up but last the caseworker and I had talked she was all about keeping D with us until he transitioned home, even if that meant changing his contract to long term. I was a tad shocked that she was singing a different tune. Dad is apparently not stable enough for D to transition as quickly as she was hoping. This means two things, 1. D will need to stay in foster care longer, 2. this will cost the state more money. Now, it is not secret that we choose to work with hard to place youth. We like the challenge. We like to work with kids who need us the most. People who choose to work with higher needs children get a bigger stipend a month. It costs the state more money to keep D with us. If they keep D with us, it will cost the state more money. The system does not want to spend that money. WHY WHY WHY would it be good to move a child who has FINALLY stabilized enough for us to work on his foundation? He is no longer having hour long tantrums or being violent (for the most part). Due to this we can work on building a positive self-image, what it means to make good choices, how to be respectful, how to express feelings in positive ways. This is important work. This foundation is what will help D grow into a productive and respectful member of society. I have no doubt in my mind that if D moves his behavior will deteriorate. The tantrums will return. He will run away again. All the work he has done with us will be destroyed. The tiny bit of positive self-image he has built will blow away. Moving, to him, will feed into his feelings of being a failure. He will see that playing by the rules, making good choices, doesn't get you what you want. When he realizes that, watch out world. The wrath of D will be upon you. This poor little boy has lived in 3-4 homes since coming into care in November. He has lived with us the longest of any of the placements. He has blown out of all his last homes. He is finally showing respect, following directions, and expressing him emotions in healthy ways the majority of the time. Would you move him?

Mother's Day

Mother's day is on Sunday. It is that one day a year where you are supposed to thank our moms for all their hard work, dedication, and love. Really though, shouldn't we be telling our mom's thank you all the time. Have we gotten so thankless that we need to have one day a year set aside so that all the stores, greeting card companies, etc have to remind us to take a few moments to say thank you so our moms? I am not perfect. I don't tell my mom how much I appreciate all she has done, is doing, and will do for me in the future. Do I really need to spend three dollars on a card that will eventually thrown in the trash (please recycle!)to tell my mom I love her? I don't think so. I am guilty of sending a free e-card the night before. Le sigh. Anyway, I am getting off the reason I got on here. I did want to talk about Mother's Day but what Mother's Day means to a child in foster care and what it means to me as a surrogate mother. D is the first child I have had the privilege of caring for who has had both a mom and dad he talks to and sees regularly. Which is a strange experience but is helping me grow as a foster parent. As Mother's day started to approach I began to struggle with what to do. Should I help D do something for his mother? Should we not really acknowledged the day as it might make D upset as he isn't with his mom? As we got closer to the Big Day I felt that it was my duty to help D celebrate his mom in the ways she is able to be in his life. Every family is different. There is no right or wrong way to have a family. D's mom loves him (even if it is in a dysfunctional way) and D loves her. So for Mother's day we got his mom and nice frame and we got an amazing picture of D jumping over a creek. The picture is taken as he was in the air, a giant smile on his face, with the ocean in the background. I think she will love it. I know that the trip we took to the beach was important to D as he had never been to the ocean before. I have no idea how D will do on actual mother's day. He sees his mom today and will give her his gift then. How will he do on the day where my boys and husband celebrate me being their mom/wife? Will he be sad and missing his mom? Will he be excited to do fun activities? Will he be angry? You never really know with D. I am feeling optimistic (maybe its the coffee surging through my body). I think D does view me as a mom. He has written about me in school assignments as mom so I think he might want to celebrate all the things I do in his life. He had a homework assignment the other day where he had to write and color about something nice that someone has done or does for them. He wrote "My mom helps me when I am frustrated". I thought he was writing about bio mom. He quickly corrected me and told me he was referring to me. When D moved in with us, we asked that he not call us mom and dad as he has a mom and dad and those names are special to them. I did not want his parents to think we were trying to take their place in his life. I am wondering if D is starting to see me and my family more as his family and less as a temporary resting place. He has started referring as Bean and Monster as his "brothers". Interesting stuff. So does the meaning of mother's day change when you are a foster mom? I think it does. I think becoming a foster mom made me appreciate and view my role as mom as even more important. I have taken on the responsibility of not only caring and raising my own children to be responsible, loving people but to also to teach these things to children who have not been able to stay in their own bio families and have significant behavior problems. The kids who have chosen to invite in our home are the kids who need a supportive, loving, caring, structured, and firm mom the most. Ok, I could go on but Monster is now sitting on my lap shoving an empty cup into my face in attempt to have me make weird sounds with it. D and Bean are getting a little too creative with markers and their bodies so I think it is time to sign off. I apologize dear reader, if this entry seems choppy and with little flow. When blogging with three young children, I get called away from my thoughts and writing about every three minutes. It makes for a strange writing experience but at least I got this done in one day. Progress!