Mama vs. the wasps

Probably close to a month ago now, Bronwyn mentioned that she saw a bee fly into the volvo through the crack between the door and the rest of the car (I should at this point give a little back story on the volvo for those who might not know about it. The piece of shit volvo has not worked for months. MONTHS. We poured tons of money into after buying it and shit just keeps breaking and so we said, "fuck it" and now it sits in our driveway. I feel really classy). I opened the door to see what could possibly be lurking there.....

It was a wasp nest. I small one but a wasp nest nonetheless. It is located between the door and in inside of the car. When the car door is closed, they can't get into the interior of the car. I explain the situation to husband and let him know that I have passed this knowledge to him so he can deal with them. So I wait for him to deal with it....and wait....and wait...(Don't worry, reader, I nagged while waiting too). After a few weeks, husband mentions that he hasn't seen any wasps for days so they have probably moved on. I breath a sigh of relief and take getting rid of wasps off my nag husband list.

This weekend we are having a garage sale and need to move the volvo out of the way. I decide to check the volvo to insure that the wasps have indeed moved on. I open the door...

HOLY SHIT, it has tripled in size and their are like 134,233,432,123 wasps crawling around their nest. NOT OK! I inform the husband of this development. I am not pleased. Husband is afraid and does not want to deal with it. Awesome. We decide we need someone with protective "don't get your ass kicked by wasps" suit. We need Matt. Matt just laughs at us. Thanks, Matt (I'm shaking my fist at you while simultaneously shaking my head).

Lucky husband has to go out of town this week so who gets left to deal with the situation-me. Why does it seem that all the shit jobs get handed to me? It took me a few days to build up the courage to deal with the wasps. I got a GIANTLY long stick and a bucket of warm soapy water and put my running shoes on. Game on.

I slowly open the volvo door all the way up. The door crushes part of the nest. It makes a satisfying crunch sound. I take a deep breath and hold my stick a few inches from the nest. It's now or never, I tell myself. Be strong. Be brave. Take these fuckers down. Take back this piece of shit car. It doesn't belong to them. SMACK. I knock the nest to the ground. I throw the stick down, grab the purple bucket of warm soapy water and toss it on the nest that is now on the ground, slam the door shut, and RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

Once back inside, I slow my breathing down. I am having an intense adrenaline rush. I feel on top of the world. I DID IT!! A few minutes later I go back outside to insure that they are gone. Fuck! When I slammed the car door, I locked a few inside. QALIHEDKHFYA

Now a normal person would just say, "hey, they are stuck in there. They can just stay there and die". Not I. I did not want them in my car that does not move so I open the door to free them. Then I promptly shut the door again and run. What do they do now that they are free? Go right back to where there nest was! Fuck! this accomplished NOTHING.

Do not fear, dear reader. I had a plan. A wonderful plan. The next night I tapped that door shut. Yeah, take that wasp fuckers. Try penetrating my force field of masking tape. HAHAHAHAHA. Now here is the problem with this plan. It was not completely dark when I taped up the door (my junk heap looks even classier with a taped up door) so about 5 wasps had not retired for the night. They are now trying to find a way back to their nest. They are pissed and keep trying to break my barrier. Which they can't cause I am awesome. Now lets keep our fingers crossed that they don't find new nesting grounds in the volvo. That would suck